~home sweet home~

time really flies. im back home again, infront of this computer, infront of this webpage, typing the same old rubbish... nevertheless, it feels great to be back. yet, some part of me didnt wanna come back... come back to reality. in fact, this trip was like living in a dream... an escape. i felt totally trouble-free, happy and care-free then. on the flight home, thoughts and memories flowed back to me. reality started to find its way back to me. i was waking up from my dream. say hi to my nightmares...

nightmare no. 1: screwed exam results
howhowhowhowhowz? i knew it... 3 nitemares of screwed results is a bad omen. indeed, it came true... haiz.. jus feel so demoralised n lousy now. can onli buck up next sem.. but i feel like im losing the motivation le. onli one more yr left to pull the cap... im so tired.. so so tired. realised dat, even when u try ur best, it will still not b the best. esp if u're stupid, like me. who ever said that all ppl from the rafflesian family is smart? ha i am a true-blue rafflesian, and a perfect counter-example. *applause*

nightmare no.2: mum unhappy.. again.
cos of my results la.. wat else. haiz back to square one. so irritating. keeps thinkin i neva study.. when i actually did. ok la, not dat i did super horribly ma.. haiz... in fact i tink i could study v well dis time cos i had gd company for study. well well.. she'll b fine tml... i hope.

nightmare no.3: (censored)
tink joyce would noe ba... if she tinks hard enuff.. ha.

[buahaha.. i feel like some censorship board... keke]

anyways, my trip was alright... as i said, few young couples... n the young couples did not extend their stay to russia, so i was left with the older ones. keke... baby of the group. quite fun in dat way. life starts to get routine after awhile... awake, eat, sit, slp, eat, sit, slp, eat, sit, slp... ha seriously dats wat i do everyday... so now u noe why i look so fat le.. keke. someone quick jio me do sports... cycling, running, anything! sth dat is sporty n makes me tone, n lose my fats... grrr...
oh did i eva mention dat my holiday resolution is to go jogging regularly dis hols? hehe... or maybe train with my kor for his triathlon... tho i would prob b a hindrance. keke...

just had a long phone call with my kor... our calls are infrequent, yet very special. truly special feeling... the thot of him always brings back the good old times.. the 4 rounds round the track @ nite... the times spent in canteen watchin him eat lo mai kai, sitting tog in chem lec, watchin him run 10 rounds round the track... the times we had silent feelings for each other... the time i hurt him terribly. lotsa regret n remorse... its still comes back to haunt me... yet i noe all i can do now is to jus treasure him dearly now. this second chance given to me... i'll cherish it always...
he asked... WAT IF we had got together then...
there r so many wat ifs in life... i really dunno wat things will b like if different things happened then. so many paths dat we could hav taken. yet, we'll onli noe this path we've chosen... n we hav no choice but to press on, tryin to find dat light at the end of this dark, lonely tunnel. will i ever see the light? will i ever get out of this tunnel? wat if i didnt take this route? wat if i dun eva get out? wat if.... wat if...

falling in love is one thing, staying in love is another...

have u ever fallen in love with someone and fallen out of love with that someone?
or have u fallen in love with someone and still love that someone now?
or have u fallen in love with someone and still love that someone, even tho u two have broken up?
do u noe wats love?
does anyone really noe wats love?
how can anyone love someone so dearly when the someone does not love him/her anymore?
how can anyone get over someone they love so much?
how can anyone bear to hurt the one who loves them so much?

"are u gonna stay with the one u love
or are u going back to the one who loves u
someone's gonna cry when he's learnt he's lost u
and someone's gonna thank the stars tonight"

to this fren i've neva met before:
'if u really love her, let her go. she's prob not worth ur love.
it pains me to noe u're still not over her yet.
but i noe, ur gal is out there somewhere, waitin for u to love her...'

then again, its easy to preach, but hard to practice it... can i do so too? can i be this xiao1 sa3 and sa3 tuo1 too? maybe i dun wanna be like that? maybe i wanna continue this way?
falling in love is easy...letting go is hard...
til now, a particular someone still means sth to me. not dat i hav feelings for him anymore... but its jus dat, he was my first love? or maybe im jus too sentimental. its jus dat, we shared many good n bad times... n my whole jc life was revolved around him. amazing huh? i truly look fwd to going to sch jus cos of him... i'll noe when he'll pass by my classroom, or when he'll pass me by at the corridor, or when he'll hav a short break in the canteen b4 his next lesson starts... etcetcetc. its to the point of insanity. haha... ok not so serious la... this privilege applies to some other special guy frens of mine too... haha.
sometimes, u may think u hav gotten over someone, but in actual fact, u havent... u wont realise dat until that person does sth that stirs ur heart.

yet for the lucky few who have got someone loving them... or even someoneS loving them, i congratulate u... 爱人是痛苦，被爱是幸福的... 但是同时受到两个人的深爱也是一种痛苦。该选谁呢？万一你对这两个人一点兴趣都没有，那该怎么办？how to reject anyone? wat choice are u gonna make? WAT IF...
u'll neva noe wat fate has in store for u. if u feel u really dun like A, stop ur agony, stop his painful n fruitless pining. if u feel u cant like B yet, give u 2 some time... comparing A and B, if u feel A seems more suitable for u, yet u dun feel a thing, den stop B's advances. in the end, the one u will love will not b either of them.
this passage above is for somone... u noe who u are.

sometimes i jus feel like i wanna start life anew. i wanna erase all the painful memories... then i wont hav so many feelings. how does it feel like to be numb? can anyone really be numb? i thot i was... but how can i really b numb when pain can still b inflicted on me? yet why do i allow myself to be stabbed so many times?

hmm so late le... guess its such late nites where one will have more feelings, more thots, more rubbish to blog about. considering, i've been deprived of blogging for the past 15 days, dis more dan makes up for it..ha... long winded me...
yet im so bored now... everyone's not online. my little boy is eating pizza, my little gal is asleep, my close fren is chionging in the jungle... my other frens hav disappeared. so dis leaves lonely me... and this lonely nite.

tired.
nitez...