when depression sets in again...


great cloud formation over The North Sea

its amazing how one's emotions can be expressed by nature.
well, at least, the above picture expresses mine perfectly.
that dark serenity...
looming thunderstorm.
raindrops yet to be released.
emotions yet to be expressed.
control. restraint.
sadness.
darkness.
calmness.

im fighting.
a losing battle.
with myself.
with my heart.
with my head.
why do i feel more than you?
why do i think more than you?
do you even know how i feel?
do you know the pain?
can u feel my pain?
do you even know im hurting cos of you?

lotsa thots now.
confused. lost. sad.
im not wat i appear to be.
im not wat u tink i am.
i dun even noe wat im doin anymore.
i dun even noe who i am anymore.
i dun even feel myself today.
am i still myself?
have i lost me?
who am i?

guess everything was triggered off by my mum. she broke down in the morn over absolutely nothing. i dunno wats happening anymore. feel so helpless. useless. thots and more thots jus bombard my mind. head's in a mess, heart's in a greater mess. so many things happening. so many things going to happen. wat shd i do? wat can i do? hmm... guess its jus an accumulation of alot of feelings and thots. not onli cos of my mum ba... lotsa other people. lotsa other things.

i want to go back to sch.
i want to go back to having exams.
i want to go back into ur arms...
yet i noe all this will not last.
everything is so transcient.
it is all but a dream...
but i want to continue dreaming.
continue believing.
continue lying to myself.
tho i noe dis muz end.
dis shd stop.
... n it will.

i need courage.
to hold back my tears.
i need courage.
to fight back my emotions.
i need courage.
to stop myself.