the day i cried

i guess...

i've been putting on a strong front
i've controlled lotsa emotions
i've fought many internal battles
i've stood firm on my beliefs even when everyone else was skeptical
i've been holding back my tears, my fear, my pain

... for too long.

n the time is finally here.
where they all come out.
its uncontrollable.
jus so sudden without warning.
without a single hint.
n it occurred at the most unlikely time.
when i was angry.
my dad pissed me off.
i screamed at him.
sorry daddy.
n i was screaming at myself.
i was jus so angry.
at what, i do not noe.
there n then.
when i was fuming mad.
i broke down.
i neva thot i would.
but i did.
why, i do not noe.
i thot i was strong.
i am strong.
yet.
wat a betrayal.
i am still strong.
n i will be strong.

i actually felt very relieved after dat outburst.
my heart calmed down.
n i started to think.
to feel.
i felt more sensible.
i felt happier.
nono.
somehow, i still feel down.
why, i do not noe.

one would hav thot dat i would b happy today.
having seen my funky D.
n being able to witness his crooked cute smile.
n hear him say the words 'byebye' to me.
for the first time.
but i was not happy.
i was moody after dat.
the details i will skip.

n then it suddenly dawned on me.
that maybe funky D didnt matter dat much to me.
that maybe polar, penguin n other animals didnt hav a place in my heart at all.
why of course.
he is onli but an eye candy.
a mask.
to add on to my face.
to make me happier.
on the surface.

when can i shed this mask?
who can i show my real face to?
you, you or you?
maybe i should start with me.